If I Could Only...
by Rage of BlackMist
Summary: DMxHS // I quickly turned around to see if he might be still outside. 'No he wasn't.' Damnit. He's gone. More and more tears escaped from my eyes. Slowly I slid down to the floor. Helplessly.. Weakly.. Hurt... I fell... Good Bye......Duo……. \\ R


**If I Could Only **

Written By: Rage of BlackMist [aka Sryia Yuki] 

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing nor its characters. Gundam Wing belongs to the property of the Sotsu Agency, Sunrise and Fuji TV, NOT ME! Though, I do wish it would. 

Author's Note: Fic written in first person- told by Hilde. 

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He is always so nice to me. He treats me like an equal and nothing less. He is caring, gentle; all of the above. But why... Why did I have to fall in love with him. He is a Gundam Pilot. Devoted only to his missions; nothing else. He fought and because if that he also suffered. If only I could tell him how much he means to me. To explain to him that he was the only reason for me to live. 

  


Duo is my strength and my weakness. When I'm around him I can breath because I feel so safe and warm. But when I'm not, I feel helpless and weak. Relena told me that she'd given up on Heero but I highly doubt that. She's also in the love with the Pilot. She must know though. She has to.. That Heero loves her back. He's a coward though, because he won't admit it. _Fool, he's only causing more pain._ Like they both need it too. 

  


But my problem is different. Duo's gone. He left me. Sure he may be in the next room watching TV but he really isn't there. _Just his body not his soul_. He told me that the war took his soul away from him and left him with bloodstained hands. Bloodstained yes but misery empolered, no. He's done a lot, he just doesn't realize it. Please, oh please some day realize it. That you are important and not just some guy who help saved the world. 

  


Someday... Someday he'll see the real reason as to why he came back. Because hopefully by then he'll realize that fact that he is love with me. But till then I'm happy and content with the fact that he'll never leave me even though his soul has. I lost him once and I'm not going to lose him again. Not like Relena lost Heero. Not like that. _Never..._

  


Suddenly unwillingly I came back to reality. 

  


"Hilde! Can you come here for just a minute I want to tell you something!" He called out to me. My heart began to beat rapidly. What in earth would he want at this time at night. It must be, what, 11:30 at night. Oh well better go see what it is. _It will give me another chance to look at him. Those beautiful eyes and enchanting smile._

  


I slowly made my way out of my room. I wanted to sneak up on him. He always scares me, so why not scare him. But I failed when I heard him taking on the phone. To who?? It's so late at night.. Weird better go check it out. 

  


"Hilde, hurry up.. I really need to talk to you. It's important." He yelled out this time. Only with more annoyance then before. 

  


"Yeah.. Duo I'm right here. You don't have to yell at me!" I blurted back to him. Why was he acting this way. _He never yells at me. Never._

  


"Sorry didn't see ya there. Look I got a phone call from Trowa and the guys. They want me to meet them..." I cut him off. _'Meet them'_ Why I finely got him back and he's going to leave. No you can't Duo. You just can't.... 

  


"Your leaving." I hurried up and mumbled out. He probably knows that I was angry. He must know that I care for him or why else would he have told me head of time. He also must have seen the hurt in my eyes. _Yes, that too.._

  


"YA.. I guess I am. They said that there were some terrorist attacked on X5567, a colony near L2. Trowa and the guys thought it be nice to check it out. Lots of children live there and..." I did it again but only this time I couldn't stop from what I was saying. He made me so mad that the only thing that raced through my mine was what happen to me earlier this morning. You see I got a phone call and 

  


"I have to go to earth and meet an old guy friend of mine. We're going to spend the weekend together. You're leaving tonight right? Okay then I'll call Ruark and tell him to meet me at the airport around 4:30 tomorrow afternoon. Do you think that would be a good time to meet him..."I can't believe I just blurted that out. I wasn't going to tell him about Ruark until tonight but he made me so mad that I just couldn't help myself. Then Duo actually cut me off. Who would of thought that he would. I know I must of hurt him. _I must of_. He's eyes went dark and his face... His face dead.. God what have a done. v 

"You're leaving too. When were you going to tell me this? The minute before your shuttle took off?" His voice was cold and harsh. Man did what he say hurt. _'You're leaving too.'_ He said it as if he was surprised that I'd actually get to leave this place. What does he think I am. Some doll whom only gets played once. 

  


"Yes. You see this morning I got a phone call too, from an old friend. His name is Ruark Craning and he's heading to Earth today and thought that we could get together. He still thought that I lived on Earth you see and I told him that I didn't but maybe we could still find away to see each other. It has been three years, you know.." I trailed off only to be caught at what I said. 

  


"Who is this guy? Just a friend right?" Duo asked me. But why? I thought that he didn't like me that way? 

  


"Well sure. I guess you can say that. Though we're more like close friends. Are family's we're really close when we were growing up." I again choked at me one words. But he gave me that look like, _'You actually have guy friends'_ Why was he acting so rude. 

  


"How close?" Duo uttered out. But I didn't care. He was being an ass. Jerk, it's not like I'm going to date him or anything. We also went through school and training together. It's not like I'm married to him. 

  


"Duo I already told you about him. His name is Ruark Carning. He's an ex-pilot and computer hacker just like me. We used to live by each other and later on in life work together. He's just an old close friend. Really he is. It's not like he's going to hurt me or anything." I blurted back at him. Man I don't think I've ever said this much to him at a time. I usually can never find the courage to talk to him. This time though, was different. _But why?.._

  


"OH" was all he said. _'Oh'_ I mean a baby can say more than that. _Duo... _

  


"So.. When will you be getting back?" I asked not thinking about the type of voice to say it in. I just said it how it should be said. With anger, hate and.... Guilt... _Why me..._

  


With a harsh and sarcastic voice he said, "I have no idea. No time soon though. Quatre has invited me to stay him and the guys for a while. I did refuse but sense your going to be leaving too, no reason to stay here..." With that he turned around that walk towards his room. Not coming back... _No.. he just has too..._

  


_Duo please wait I didn't mean it really. _If only I could tell him that_. _Ya right. Like that'd ever happen. He probably laugh in my face. _No he wouldn't. _

  


So is this going to be the last time I'll ever get the chance to talk to him? More like yell at him. 

  


Just then my eyes started to tear up. Please don't let him see me like this.. I'll just die if he does. _I already died. Why care._

  


I heard the door to his room slam shut. He's mad. _Because of what I said. _

  


_So this is it._ There he is, with is bag full of clothes and everything. He had his black baseball cap on too. Great he really is going to leave me for good. I started to panic then. 

  


He must think me dumb. For I just stood there as he made his way past me. In fact I don't even think I moved after he left the first time. I just stood there. Inhaling the information he had just given me. 

  


Oh god. He reached the door. 

  


"Hilde.." he began to say. But quickly stopped.. "I'm leaving now!" He spoke again. 

  


My back though, was positioned towards him so I could see his face. Nor he could mine. It was better that way right. _Not to look at each other._ Not to see each other's eyes. I am right, aren't I? 

  


"Well then I guess its good bye. Right?" I questioned last. Hoping that he'd say no. _Please say no._

  


"Yeah... I guess. Well.." he paused. "good bye.. Hilde." With that he opened the door and left. 

  


A single tear escaped from the eye. I'm crying. Wait I never cry. _Yes you do, you just don't want to admit it. Fool!_

  


I quickly turned around to see if he might be still out side. _No he wasn't_. Damnit. He's gone. More and more tears escaped from my eyes. Why... Why... I turned then, my eyes away from the window. Slowly I slid down to the floor. Helplessly, weakly.. Hurt... I fell. 

  


"So I guess it really is good bye!" I whispered one last time. _Good Bye......Duo._

  


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Author's Note: Well what do you think? Is it a keeper? Hehe.. I wrote this fic a long, long time ago. Man, I'm talking about three years ago, something like that. Anyhow, just thought I'd post it at Aishiteru's too! Happy reading!

  


As always, please email me with any comments, questions or suggestions. Each one is welcomed! Rage of Blackmist


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